HAPPY HOLIDAYS!

My Creative Red

This is a video of Red and I playing. He came up with this game all by himself. He first started playing it by laying down on his side and tossing a ball against a wall with the top of his paw. The ball would bounce back, he would catch it, and then he would push it out again. He soon figured out that if he pushed it at our feet, we would pushing it back to him.
He plays another version of this game when we walk at the park. He will drop the ball at our feet right as our feet swing out and we end up kicking it. At first we thought he was trying to give us the ball to throw and kept accidentally knocking it at our feet, but then we realized that he was smarter than us! Haha.
He also understands the concept of an incline and can tire himself out by pushing a ball down a hill, chasing after it, then running back to the top of the hill with the ball and pushing it down again. He is so playful and fun.

Love at First Sight

If you haven’t already heard…it’s a boy! We could not be more thrilled. Honestly, Bill would have been happy with either gender, but I really wanted a little boy and from day one had a feeling that our little one would be made of frogs and snails and puppy-dogs’ tails. So you can imagine my delight when it was confirmed that I was in fact having a boy!

During the ultrasound, I felt much like Rachel Green from Friends during her first ultrasound. In the scene, the technician points out to Ross and Rachel on the grainy black and white screen their little one. Rachel says, “Oh wow.” The technician leaves her and Ross alone to take in the moment. After the technician leaves, Rachel begins crying. Ross thinks it’s because she is overwhelmed, but she then exclaims, “I can’t see it!” referring to the baby as she points to the screen. Ross says, “What? But you just said you could.” To which Rachel says, “I didn’t want her to think that I am a bad mother!”

During my ultrasound, both the technician and Bill were talking about the various pictures of the baby. “And see, there is the foot,” she said as Bill asked more questions about this or that. I spent the time saying, “Oh, yeah. Pretty cool,” though I had no idea what I was looking at or what they were talking about. I was just trying to fit in. In my defense, I was laying down looking at the screen from an awkward angle with my already poor eye sight while they both had front row seats, but regardless, it was hard for me to get into the moment. It wasn’t until she printed the photos and I was able to look at them flat against my nose that I realized the amazing detail that the photos revealed. There was a face! And little arms and sweet little fingers. It wasn’t some silhouette with a general idea of what is to be. It was an actual photograph of a little boy… my little boy!


Now, I am normally not for the posting of in-utero photos. As fascinating as they are, they are grainy and not that flattering. Plus, the kid still has a lot of growing (and forming) to do. But I absolutely fell in love with this photo. He looks so peaceful in his deep slumber while he curls up against my body like it is the most comfortable pillow in the world. The photo is now the background picture on my phone. Every time I look at it, my heart melts. It makes me yearn to kiss his sweet little face and tickle his tiny toes. Now, I often find myself daydreaming about what it will be like to meet him and hold him. Seeing his photo definitely brought love at first sight.

Hungry Hungry Hippo

So, my appetite has finally returned. And it returned with a fierce attitude. The other night, I wanted some roasted potatoes and Bill was kind enough to cook them for me. We were watching TV when the timer went off, so he left to retrieve my delicious snack. But when he returned empty handed, I asked, “Where are the potatoes?” To which he replied, “Oh, they need another 10 minutes.” Upon hearing this, I yelled, “Are you effing kidding me!” Bill actually smiled when I said that, which made me very aware of how crazy I sounded. I was genuinely embarrassed (though I must say that the embarrassment did not prevent me from eagerly holding a plate next to the oven as Bill pulled out the potatoes). I mean, who am I? Food has never been a big part of my life. When Bill travels, I often forget to eat, usually reminded only by the lightheadedness associated with low blood sugar. And now I am flipping out if I have to wait 10 more minutes for a snack. Needless to say, if we hang out, it may be in your best interest to carry some snacks with you.

Photos from Vermont

Okemo

Mac doesn't like bridges :)

Appalachian Trail

View from house

Lowell State Park

Lowell State Park

Kissing Bridge

Buttermilk Falls

Buttermilk Falls

Hiking

We just got back from a week long vacation in Vermont. It was fun and depressing at the same time.
It was fun because we were in Vermont! We rented a house set on 75 acres, so anytime we were there, the dogs played outside. They had an absolute blast and we had a blast watching them. While we were inside, we could hear them outside chasing each other around the house. At one point, Red appeared at the back door. Bill let him in, but he wanted to immediately go out the front door. After Bill opened the door for him, he ran out and pounced on an unsuspecting Mac. It was hilarious.
We also hiked just about everyday. We hiked Okemo, part of the Appalachian Trail, and Lowell State Park. One day, we took a short walk along the Buttermilk Falls, which are amazing waterfalls along Branch Brook in Okemo State Forest. Which brings me to the depressing part…
To quote Bill: “So, as you were sliding down a cliff along the Appalachian Trail, you came to realize that maybe this is your last hike for awhile…”
That is pretty much how it went. I knew that being pregnant meant that I would have to slow down a little, but I honestly did not expect it to happen so soon (granted, I am 5 months along, so how far into my pregnancy was I really thinking I could go?). Our first hike was Okemo, which we picked because it was labeled a “moderate” trail. It was suppose to just be an easy 3.5 miles up to a Fire Tower. But it was probably the most difficult hike I have ever done. And I was in total denial about why. I kept asking Bill questions like, “This trail is just really difficult, right? This is more difficult than anything we have ever done, right? Am I this out of shape?” To which Bill would reply, “No, you are no out of shape/ this trail is not difficult/ etc. You are just PREGNANT!” He kept saying that we could turn around or that it was okay to take our time, but we went up to Vermont to hike, damn it, and I wasn’t about to sit at the house knitting the whole time. Then, in the middle of the hike, I broke into tears because I was so frustrated with how tired I was. God love Bill, who just said, “You want a hug?”
We only made it about 2.5 miles, which took us about 2.5 hours. We never saw the tower.
Next we did the Appalachian Trail. Bill made the wonderful point that the trail goes all the way to Georgia, where we clearly would not be going, so there was really no destination we needed to hit. All we had to do was walk, and when I felt like it, we could turn around and go back. The man knows how to deal with his stubborn wife.
The hike was beautiful and much easier than Okemo. After about an hour and half, we stopped and had a picnic, and then turned around to walk back. It was on the way down, however, that I realized that that was probably my last real hike for awhile. Going down, I slipped twice. Luckily, the first time I caught myself and the second, Bill caught me. But the fear of falling scared me out of denial. I said to Bill, “I really really hate to say this, but I think I am tempting fate by doing this and it is just not worth it.” He readily agreed and we decided that our next big hike would involve our little one riding along in a backpack carrier.
That night, I read a book a neighbor gave me called “The Girlfriend’s Guide to Pregnancy.” So far, it is the best pregnancy book I have read. In the chapter “Exercise and Pregnancy,” it says, “Our compulsion to exercise when we are pregnant is a reflection of our inability to surrender and let nature run its course.” That was like a dose of cold water. I am so excited to be a mom, but I am just going to be honest and tell you that I am not one of those people who is excited to be pregnant. In fact, I have to control my compulsion to slap people who tell me how much they loved being pregnant. I feel like I have given up so much already, for example, I can no longer put anything in my mouth without first considering what it could do to this human being I have been given responsibility for (and I better not screw it up); my brain has totally been taken over by oxytocin to the point where I find myself asking Bill a question and forgetting the answer before he is even done talking; and simple things around the house I usually do, like put the suitcases away on the top shelf, I now need to ask for help. I am very independent and I have felt like I have been losing that. I had to hold on to something and for me I guess that something was hiking. The book made me realize this and in many ways gave me permission to just surrender to nature. And since I let go, things have actually been a little easier. Once we made the decision that I would hold off on big hikes until after my pregnancy, I stopped obsessing so much about what is happening to me now, and started looking more toward the future and getting more excited about being a mom and sharing experiences like hiking with my kid. After all, what’s six months in a lifetime?

Playground Fun

Our Amazing Twiglet!

Tuesday was such a happy day for us. As I recount the morning, I can’t help but smile.
Tuesday I had my second ultrasound and our amazing little Twiglet showed off the whole time. Bill and I were both astonished by how quickly he (we don’t know the gender yet, but for simplicity, I’ll call it he) had developed from a blob on the screen only 4 weeks ago to this very active little being. When the radiologist first ran the scanner across my belly, Twiglet was staring right at us in an adorable pose. He had one hand resting on his chin and the other resting on the side of his head, as if to say, “Why hello. I have been waiting for you” because right after that brief pose, his amazing show began. He started with some impressive kick and spin moves. He then moved on to jumping and literally began bouncing off my uterine walls. Bill kept asking if I could feel it and I was surprised that I couldn’t because there was so much activity! Even the radiologist broke out and laughed because she was trying to take measurements, but our little one would not stay still. He briefly stopped his bouncing and began opening and closing his mouth quickly, clearly chatty like his mother. He had a lot to say, but soon continued his bouncing around and added a little gymnastics, grabbing his legs and showing off how flexible he is. And proving that he is a child of Bill’s, he briefly turned and mooned us (his little behind was so darn cute!). He must have tired himself out after this 30 minute show because he started sucking his thumb (it was so cool to see!) and calmed himself down.
Bill and I spent most of the exam in awe. Before today, I did not really feel pregnant. I saw the changes in my body, but it was still surreal for me. But watching Twiglet live on the video screen immediately made it all real for me and I have been beaming all day. Especially since so many of his characteristics, between the hyper play to the chat break to the sucking of his thumb, already shows that he is definitely a child of ours. In fact, as soon as he put his hands to his mouth, I said, “that is not my fault!” (As you all probably know I am a chronic nail biter and Bill is constantly saying to me, “get your fingers out of your mouth!” haha).
On a last note, I must warn you that Bill, who has been so excited about my pregnancy that he has been telling almost every person we encounter (strangers included), is now armed with photos. The radiologist printed out about five photos of Twiglet’s little presentation, showing him in his various poses (I even ordered a CD of the entire ultrasound because there are just too many funny poses not to have on record). On the way home, Bill kept pulling out the photos and trying to show off his amazing little one to complete strangers. They thought he was a little nuts-o (it probably didn’t help that he kept referring to Twiglet as our “Cat-Monkey Baby”), but it is endearing how proud he already is of our amazing Twiglet.

Dear Baby

Dear Baby,

I understand your need to make my stomach bigger, as that is your home; my chest bigger, as that is your food, but making my butt bigger? I just don't see how that fits into the equation and is necessary. Just something to think about.

Love,

Mommy

Mmm... Celery

Many people have been interested to know how I have been feeling so far, so I thought I would give the people what they want and offer a little taste in the world of a pregnant Jessica. Now, those who know me, know that I have always been a little quirky (okay, a lot). I have always been weird about smells and have always been a very very picky eater. Picky probably doesn’t even suffice as the right word. So, even before I was pregnant, aware of the stereotypical traits of pregnancy such as a heightened sense of smell and food aversions, I was curious to find out how pregnancy would affect me.
Well, let me tell you. The crazy has just gotten crazier. Let’s start with the cravings. The cravings have been interesting. For example, I have been going ga-ga for celery. Yes, celery, as in the torture food of dieticians. I just can’t get enough. I usually like to put peanut butter on it, but sometimes I just have to go without because the peanut butter takes away from the flavorfulness of the plain celery stick.
As far as food aversions go, you can pretty much assume that if it is food, I am going to have an aversion to it. Other than a few exceptions, like celery, for the most part I am like a dog that won’t pee twice in the same place. Once I have eaten something, no matter how badly I may have been craving it, it is immediately promoted to my “bad” list. I have even had to switch up the type of apples I eat.
But what has been even more strange than my aversions to food, has been my aversions to things. Yes, things. Let me lay out a quick list for you:

Bad List
1. Window fans
2. The show “Weeds”
3. Vampires
4. Dirty dishes (a convenient one, I know)
5. Water goblets
6. District 9. aliens

I’m not exactly sure how these things got on my bad list. Just all of a sudden I wanted to vomit at the mention of “Weeds” or at the thought of drinking out of a water goblet. You can image what life is now for Bill. No pregnancy book could have prepared him for the crazy world of a pregnant Jessica. But I like to think that it is that kind of uniqueness that makes him love me so much. Now I am going to go eat some celery…

Bill may be having a little too much fun

My first OB/GYN appointment was pretty nerve racking. Even though I have only read about a thousand books on the subject of pregnancy, I still had no idea what to expect. As we walked into the doctor’s office, I was quiet and reserved, while Bill was happily bouncing around, grabbing pamphlets and reading posters.
I must have been visibly nervous because the nurse at the desk said softly, “Don’t worry. We don’t bite here.” To give you an idea of just how nervous I was, I said very seriously, “Thank you. I’m glad to hear that,” and remained in my reserved position. Bill, mean while, was next to me busily scribbling his information down for a mailing list and then cheerfully asked where he was to submit the card.
We must have been quite the sight because the nurse kept glancing quickly back and forth at us. She then said to us in the same soothing tone, “Is this your first?” Just as I mustered out a quiet “yes,” Bill said loudly, “That I know of.”
That was enough to break me out of my shell. The whole office, including me, broke into roaring laughter. It reminded me of how lucky I am too have him by my side, to always make me laugh, even when I don’t think I want to.
Flash forward a week and we are browsing in a baby store. There are other soon to be parents who, like us, are trying to make sense of the rows of cribs and bumpers and boppies. Bill sees a comfy rocking chair and plops into it. “Ooo, I like this!” he says. He then cradles his arm and begins to fake sob. Through his “sobbing” he starts to say desperately, “Please… please just shut-up. Why won’t you sleep? Wh-h-h-h-y? Why won’t you just sleep?”
The people around us didn’t think it was too funny, maybe because it was scarily too close to the truth. But once again, Bill had me roaring, happy to know that when we are sleep deprived and covered in goo, there will still be laughter, even if it just from the memory of a time when it was funny.

Twiglet

As many of you may know, in 2004, when I was 22, I was diagnosed with cancer. I was one of the lucky ones. They caught it early, I had a fantastic team of doctors at some of the best hospitals in the world, and after the two-year ordeal, I survived practically unscathed, with only a two-inch scar across my neck; a scar I wear with pride that keeps me grateful for the life I have.
Bill and I say that having cancer at such a young age was actually a blessing in disguise. Because there is a thirty-percent chance that my cancer could come back, I am closely monitored by a team of doctors. I have bi-annual exams, yearly ultrasounds and every few years I get full body scans. Now, if the smallest thing pops up on the screen, I am whisked through a battery of tests to nip it in the bud. It is actually quite amazing.
I estimate that since I was first diagnosed, I have had a dozen or so ultrasounds. With every one, there is always some anxiety that the technician will say, “Hmm,” suddenly focusing on one part of my neck and bringing in the radiologist for a second opinion, as I lay there desperately trying to decipher the fuzziness of the screen. But almost always, she evenly scans my neck, then turns with a smile and tells me everything looks great and that I can go home worry free for another year.
But this year has brought a big change for Bill and I. September 1, 2009 was an exciting day for us. It was on this day that I had my first ultrasound that wasn’t for cancer screening. And when something did pop up on the fuzzy black and white screen, it brought joy, not fear. It brought promises for the future, and didn’t threaten to take them away. It was on this day, during my first non-cancer screening ultrasound, that they found the precious beating heart of a new life forming.
I will be honest, it was really surreal. As the doctor set up the ultrasound, it was instinctual to be a little anxious. And as strange as this may sound, I didn’t want her to find anything because I’ve been conditioned to think that finding something is a bad thing. As she smiled down at me and showed us on the screen where our little one was, I kept trying to wrap my head around the fact that something is growing inside me that is good. With a blank stare, all I could muster was an “Huh.”
She printed out a picture of the ultrasound and gave it to us to bring home. I kept staring at it. I kept asking Bill what he thought, needing some guidance for what I was to think. When I got home, I put the picture up on the fridge, and then it hit me. I’m pregnant!