Hiking

We just got back from a week long vacation in Vermont. It was fun and depressing at the same time.
It was fun because we were in Vermont! We rented a house set on 75 acres, so anytime we were there, the dogs played outside. They had an absolute blast and we had a blast watching them. While we were inside, we could hear them outside chasing each other around the house. At one point, Red appeared at the back door. Bill let him in, but he wanted to immediately go out the front door. After Bill opened the door for him, he ran out and pounced on an unsuspecting Mac. It was hilarious.
We also hiked just about everyday. We hiked Okemo, part of the Appalachian Trail, and Lowell State Park. One day, we took a short walk along the Buttermilk Falls, which are amazing waterfalls along Branch Brook in Okemo State Forest. Which brings me to the depressing part…
To quote Bill: “So, as you were sliding down a cliff along the Appalachian Trail, you came to realize that maybe this is your last hike for awhile…”
That is pretty much how it went. I knew that being pregnant meant that I would have to slow down a little, but I honestly did not expect it to happen so soon (granted, I am 5 months along, so how far into my pregnancy was I really thinking I could go?). Our first hike was Okemo, which we picked because it was labeled a “moderate” trail. It was suppose to just be an easy 3.5 miles up to a Fire Tower. But it was probably the most difficult hike I have ever done. And I was in total denial about why. I kept asking Bill questions like, “This trail is just really difficult, right? This is more difficult than anything we have ever done, right? Am I this out of shape?” To which Bill would reply, “No, you are no out of shape/ this trail is not difficult/ etc. You are just PREGNANT!” He kept saying that we could turn around or that it was okay to take our time, but we went up to Vermont to hike, damn it, and I wasn’t about to sit at the house knitting the whole time. Then, in the middle of the hike, I broke into tears because I was so frustrated with how tired I was. God love Bill, who just said, “You want a hug?”
We only made it about 2.5 miles, which took us about 2.5 hours. We never saw the tower.
Next we did the Appalachian Trail. Bill made the wonderful point that the trail goes all the way to Georgia, where we clearly would not be going, so there was really no destination we needed to hit. All we had to do was walk, and when I felt like it, we could turn around and go back. The man knows how to deal with his stubborn wife.
The hike was beautiful and much easier than Okemo. After about an hour and half, we stopped and had a picnic, and then turned around to walk back. It was on the way down, however, that I realized that that was probably my last real hike for awhile. Going down, I slipped twice. Luckily, the first time I caught myself and the second, Bill caught me. But the fear of falling scared me out of denial. I said to Bill, “I really really hate to say this, but I think I am tempting fate by doing this and it is just not worth it.” He readily agreed and we decided that our next big hike would involve our little one riding along in a backpack carrier.
That night, I read a book a neighbor gave me called “The Girlfriend’s Guide to Pregnancy.” So far, it is the best pregnancy book I have read. In the chapter “Exercise and Pregnancy,” it says, “Our compulsion to exercise when we are pregnant is a reflection of our inability to surrender and let nature run its course.” That was like a dose of cold water. I am so excited to be a mom, but I am just going to be honest and tell you that I am not one of those people who is excited to be pregnant. In fact, I have to control my compulsion to slap people who tell me how much they loved being pregnant. I feel like I have given up so much already, for example, I can no longer put anything in my mouth without first considering what it could do to this human being I have been given responsibility for (and I better not screw it up); my brain has totally been taken over by oxytocin to the point where I find myself asking Bill a question and forgetting the answer before he is even done talking; and simple things around the house I usually do, like put the suitcases away on the top shelf, I now need to ask for help. I am very independent and I have felt like I have been losing that. I had to hold on to something and for me I guess that something was hiking. The book made me realize this and in many ways gave me permission to just surrender to nature. And since I let go, things have actually been a little easier. Once we made the decision that I would hold off on big hikes until after my pregnancy, I stopped obsessing so much about what is happening to me now, and started looking more toward the future and getting more excited about being a mom and sharing experiences like hiking with my kid. After all, what’s six months in a lifetime?